4/28/2021 0 Comments Codependent No More Book Pdf
Their entire focus was on someone or something other than themselves.It doesnt solve problems, it doesnt help other people, and it doesnt help us.They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others.
If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. Feel any feelings that go with rejection; talk about your thoughts; but dont forfeit your self-esteem to anothers disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. If you have done something inappropriate or you need to solve a problem or change a behavior, then take appropriate steps to take care of yourself. But dont reject yourself, and dont give so much power to other peoples rejection of you. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting peoples feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didnt have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didnt believe they deserved silk. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance, saying If you loved me you wouldnt drink to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying If you loved me, you wouldnt cough to someone who has pneumonia. Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they dont love youthey are saying they dont love themselves. The only one who can truly victimize me is myself, and 99 percent of the time I choose to do that no more. But I need to continue to remember the key principles: boundaries, letting go, forgiveness after feeling my feelingsnot before, self-expression, loving others but loving myself, too. We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems. Something came our way, something we didnt ask for, and it hurt us terribly. But an even sadder fact is that many of us codependents began to see ourselves as victims. Our painful history repeats itself. As caretakers, we allow people to victimize us, and we participate in our victimization by perpetually rescuing people. We dont have to be embarrassed if someone we love chooses to behave inappropriately. Its normal to react that way, but we dont have to continue to feel embarrassed and less than if someone else continues to behave inappropriately. They dont complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectlyat least for a while, until they become angry and resentful. When I asked them what they were feeling, they told me what the other person was feeling.
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